How I remembered to be happy; three habits that heal

I've previously written about how I gave myself depression in 2014, in this post, I'll be talking about the things I did which put me back in control of my mental health. This post is not a trite, condencending dismal of anxiety or depression, rather it is an awkwardly honest look at the role we play in our own unhappiness.

1. More time alone, more time with people.

2. I made an effort.

3. I treated myself like a friend.

The fist habit that heals; more time alone, more time with people.

I found it alarmingly easy to distract myself from my own head and the monsters that lived there. On a journey I'd turn on the radio, on a walk I'd take & edit photos of my dogs, I'd make housework easier by putting on a podcast, if I was out with a companion and they paused for breath I'd fill the spare seconds in between with text messages, quick glances at news websites, swipes through my Facebook feed. I never realised how frantic this level of activy was until one day I physically, or more aptly, psychologically, couldn't read a book - previously one of the most enormous joys in my life. In the sudden quiet I became aware of the frightening roar of doubt inside my head, the fear that literally gave me goosebumps and the loneliness that started in my fingernails and crept towards my heart. Holy cow! How had I not noticed this?? I'd been deafening myself with a chaotic cacophony of audible distractions.

To fixed this I did two things. First - I switched off my distractions (phones, tablets, laptops, TVs, radios) and listened carefully. I practiced being 'present' (sorry I tried to find a non-cheesy word) in every activity, concentrating just on it until it was done. At first this was hard! As soon as it could my brain would take itself into the Deep Dark Woods and tell me ghosts stories; with myself as the doomed, ugly step-sister, sure to be skewered by a cast of attractive, employed, successful villagers. When that happened I didn't drown it out, I heard it, recognised it as ridiculous, took a few deep breaths then went about my business. Utterly terrifying! At times I remember physically wanting to run away from the situation, but I'd tried that and it hadn't worked! This new approach was useful, because I'd always 'heard' the ghost stories, it was just that until now I hadn't known what I'd been hearing there was so much background noise. I wrote out the recurring stories and almost laughed at myself, then wrote out the true stories of these events (one a piece of paper with a pen, gadgets be gone).

Moral: it's important to switch off and listen to yourself.

The second thing I did was simple, I arranged dates with people I cared about. Tea dates, shopping dates, park dates, sofa dates, wine dates, lots of wine dates. Virtual relationships are not real relationships, you do need to be able see/smell/touch another human to call it a relationship regardless of what Mark Zuckerberg may tell you. Blah, blah tell me I'm wrong, that skype has changed the world, WhatApp has defeated geogrpahy's dominion over humans, Tinder has revolutionised how we bond. I don't believe you. Turn off your phone and have a conversation, how long is it since you've done that?

Moral: it's important to switch off and listen to other people.

This was supposed to be a MUCH shorter post, but then I decided to be honester (more honest?) more honest. I wanted to detail all the habits together but there ya go, the best laid plans! More about the other habits later.

 

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How I Gave Myself Depression - three habits that hurt

 

In this post I am being brutally honest about my mental health, so this I your warning to cut and run - though if that's your first reaction maybe you should stay and read! I'll start with a confession thus; sometimes I'm my own worst enemy. In 2014 I went through a rather prolonged period of anxiety and depression. This wasn't the kind of depression where my Gentleman Caller found me foetal on the bedroom floor sobbbing uncontrollably, it was a sneakier kind, a kind that nobody but me could see. I developed some awful habits that made my worse.

The three worst things I did for my mental health in 2014.

1. I never spent any time alone. When I wasn't on WhatsApp, Facebook, iMessages or Skype. I was reading news websites or listening to podcasts - I quite literally never had a silent moment to myself. Yet at the same time I rarely spent spent any physical time with people that I loved and who loved me. If you've spent more than 15 seconds consuming any kind of media in the last ten years you'll know its mostly a fairly depressing place! With a constant soundscape of inane negative prattle in my head it became extremely hard to hear myself think.

2. I went with it. On bad days I relaxed into feeling low because it felt easier than making any sort of effort against it. My mindset was something like "I'm feeling pretty shit today, so I'll treat myself to this." Or "I just can't be bothered with the gym because I feel sad." I exploited the advice 'give yourself a break' to breaking point. This was the most damaging thing I did! It was also the hardest to thing to admit I'd done because it meant admitting that I trained my own brain to accept and subject to feelings of anxiety and inadequacy when really what I should have done was listen to Dylan Thomas when he said...

3. I was a mean girl. A 26 year old mean girl; I focused on my failures however minute, I replayed moments of conflict, I dwelt on periods of pain, I mocked my efforts, undermined my attempts and kindled the flame of insecurity. And I did all this while earnestly cheering on my friends in their successes. I would never have tolerated anyone speaking to them the way I spoke to myself.

Of course there were outside contributing factors, predominantely my chronic unemployment which at times felt terminal, but the personal habits that I adopted during this period went a long way toward making a bad patch a bad field! Streched that metaphore?! Don't care!

This post has been really hard to write, because despite our increasing awareness and understandingly our mental health, it still makes for awkward 'touchy-feely' conversation! I look forward to the day when mental health is treated like bodily health. The good news is that seeing as I took myself there, I could take myself away; and one day, I resolved to do just that! Tomorrow I'll be talking about how!

 

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Emergency Feeds; Pumpkin Seeds

I first became hooked on these little seeds last year when I was trying to clear up my skin. The reason? They're jammed full of zinc which is vital in helping your skin produce new cells and magnesium which has a unique role in detoxing the dermis of your skin, both minerals also support the strong immune system you'll need to fight off a skin infection or bad breakout. They're an ideal source of omega 3 which replenishes the healthy oil that acne removes from your skin and lastly they have an anti-inflammatory effect, another key area to focus on when trying to clear your skin.

They are at their nutritional best when eaten raw, but sadly not at their culinary best. To amp up the flavour heat a pan and quick fry your seeds for a few seconds without oil. Once they're toasted like this they become irresistible. I tend not to season them but add a grind of salt, a splash of Worchester Sauce or a pinch of ground ginger and cinnamon if you get bored.

 If for some inexplicable reason you don't eat then immediately, they will happily sit for a few weeks in a sealed container. They provide the perfect Emergency Feed!

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A non-salad Salad

I resent the word salad. It sounds so unhealthy, conjuring images of bowls full of nutritionally void leaves slick with greasy dressings, yuck. It irks rather a little to refer to this bowl of divinity as a salad but, for want of a better word salad it shall be! This salad packs a powerful protein punch thanks to the cashews, peanut butter and soya beans, it also deserves a hat tip for the glorious antioxidant and anti inflammatory properties of the red cabbage.

 

Finely slice your sprouts and sautée them over a high heat. Meanwhile slice 1/2 each of a cucumber, yellow pepper and head of red cabbage, grate a carrot, dice some spring onions and measure out as many cashew nuts and soya beans as you plan to eat. I did the same quantity of everything and found it worked well.

 

Now that your sprouts are done set them aside, wipe out the pan and toast your cashew nuts. Set a pan of boiling water on the hob and blanch the soya beans.

 

Finally, time for dressing. Make extra of this as you will be spreading it on EVERYTHING! Mix together 2tbs of peanut butter, 1tbs grated ginger, half a grated chilli, 1tbs soya sauce, 1tsp honey and a little sesame/coconut oil to loosen it up. Finally squeeze over half a lime. Chances are it will be quite thick but that's ok! Don't get too stressed about the measurements, just keeping adding and mixing until it tastes like you never want it to run out!

 

Take everything off the heat, mix it all together and enjoy a clean, lean, powerful 'salad'.

 

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Great Girls; Zora Neale Hurston

Great Girls is series in which we meet inspiring women from ever era, culture and walk of life. This month we're meeting...

Author, activist and atomic energy of the Harlem Renaissance Zora Neale Hurston.

Zora grew up in the first all-black town in America, of which her father, a former slave, was mayor. This position, on the safe inside of African American culture looking out at the chaotic and caustic outside, together with the jarring juxtaposition of her father's identity granted her great insight into the human condition and black culture; Zora would go on to gain a masters in Anthropology in 1928.

Zora Neale Hurston. Inspiring quotes for women

Much of her career was occupied with documenting, promoting and celebrating black traditions. She travelled all over the Americas studying music, religions, dance, folklore and dialects. At a time when almost the entire population would rather ignore black heritage Zora revelled in it. She depicted black people in a way that had not been seen before - as utterly autonomous from white people, she refused to see them as degraded, as victims, as struggling heroes, as defeated. This determination to adhere to the challenges of her race brought much criticism during her life, perhaps it is why her work didn't receive the recognition it deserved until after her death.

This all sounds rather lofty and beyond what a white girl living in the suburbs with no strife could relate to, no? No! Zora's best known book Their Eyes Were Watching God is marvellous, the kind of book that keeps shouting life advice at you when the cover is closed. It is wise, courageous, romantic and a testament to the strength of womanhood. If you are female this is book is required reading. If you are human this book is suggested reading. Thank you Zora!

 

 

 

 

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Zingtastic Greens

Kale and I are still getting used to each other, wheras sprouts and I are old friends. This sentiment is not shared by everyone, in fact my own Gentleman Caller once referred to sprouts as the "devil's testicles". I couldn't be having that! Here is the recipe which changed his mind; Zingtastic Sprout and Kale Sautée Sensation.

Shred your sprouts, kale and chop the sugarsnap beans, roughly a handful of each per person. Into a frying pan add, 2tbs nut oil (toasted sesame, walnut, peanut), 2tbs grated ginger and 1-2 crushed garlic cloves. Once they're nice and hot, try to ignore the fact that it looks like mucus, then add a good dash of soy sauce and 1tbs sesame seeds.

Time to add your veg to the pan, turn down the heat and fry them until they're browned and softening which will be about 8 minutes. Now add a squeeze of lemon juice and enjoy!

And there you go, sprouts are no longer the preserve of a select, taste deficient few! The Gentleman Caller declared them "the best sprouts" he'd ever eaten. Result!

 

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Best opening lines

Sometimes you can flick open a book and by the time you've reached the first full stop you've got a friend for life! Here are my favourite opening lines (all subsequent lines are worth reading too) from books read/revisited in 2014.

"It all started with a hymen." (Hello Kitty Must Die, Angela S. Choi)

This book is HILARIOUS! I read it nearly in one sitting! Our heroine is witty, smart and desperately trying to escape her mother.

"Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin." (Winnie the Pooh. A.A. Milne)

Even as a child that I loved that image, the slow descent of two best friends into a domestic haven...bliss

"Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board." (Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neale Hurston)

This immediately struck a cord, as a child I remember chasing planes and shouting "Take me with you." As an adult reading this line, I found it so simple, so heartbreaking and so true that I fell in love with this novel almost immediately. There's great comfort in knowing you're not alone. Also Zora is a dynamo!!

"All children , except one, grow up." (Peter Pan. J.M. Barrie)

One the possibilities! I very much wanted to be Peter Pan!

"It was the day my grandmother exploded." (The Crow Road, Iain Banks)

Was it really? I have so very many questions you need to answer!

"Under certain circumstances there are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea." (The Portrait of a Lady, Henry James)

Yes I quite agree. One lump or two?

"On the map, their destination had been a stretch of green, as if they would be living on a golf course." (California, Edan Lepucki.)

I sense impending doom. In this novel, dystopian fiction has grown up, and its voice is beautiful.

 

 

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Broccoli Curry Salad

I don't do well with 'main dish' dinners, I think it's one of the reasons I love Spain so much - I really appreciate their tapas culture. So given my penchant for nibbling I was rather disappointed when I realised that my labor intensive Beef Biryani (hat tip to the Hairy Bikers, delicious) was just such a meal. I needed a side dish...stat! Like nearly everything I cook it needed to be quick and necessitate hardly any washing up, I serve you Broccoli Curry Salad with Raita Dressing.

Into a pot of boiling water put a handful of french beans, after 2/3 minutes add some broccoli florets. While they're boiling away toast some caraway seeds in a dry frying pan over a low heat. Drain the greens and grate in a carrot then toss in your seeds and sprinkle over some chilli flakes.

In a seperate dish mix the zest and juice of half a lime, 1/4 of a diced cucumber, 2tbsp natural yogurt, 1tbsp chopped parsley and a small pinch of ground cumin.

Gosh that looks like a lot...mostly it's just mixing things! The yogurt and cucumber keep it cool while the caraway and cumin add enough flavour to make it a delicious side to a curry main dish. I suspect this would be nice with most garden veg, I'm thinking mangetout, petit pois, sugar snap peas and maybe mint?

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Emergency Feeds; Kale Crisps

Nom nom nom nom nom...these crisps are so addictive and I PROMISE they are NOT as disgusting or as 'trendy' as they sound and they will feel like crisps in your mouth! Kale is definitely a food that will love you back, it's full of iron, magnesium, fibre, Vitamin C and even Omega 3! You go Kale, you go! The problem with Kale is that I kinda resent the piety that glowing hipsters have given it with all that green juice they drink, cause most of the time, that stuff looks and tastes like ditch water! I also resent the soggy spoonfuls of slop that my Granny used to dump on to my plate on Sunday. So yeah, Kale has had a pretty hard time. BUT here is something delicious that you can do with Kale that does not result in ditch green juice or the Creature From The Green Lagoon these are the PERFECT emergency feed! Takes 12 minutes tops.
In a shallow bowl put 2tbsp of olive oil, if you are eco friendly (hurray) pop into your garden and get 3 large kale leaves which you will now rinse, dry, remove the stalk from and cut into Doritos size pieces, the rest of you...open a bag of prepared kale (boo hiss). Toss the kale in the oil and lay the little green don't-wannabe-Doritos on a baking tray. Sprinkle them with sea salt and some black pepper.
Put them in the oven for 10 minutes at 150c. These WILL burn if they have a chance, the lower the heat and the longer they cook the better, once they start to brown get them out of there.
These are gorgeous (and addictive) like this but if you fancy more flavour then before you put them in the oven sprinkle them with...
1. Garam Masala - a surprisingly nice Indian twist.
2. Parmesan and Lemon Zest - slightly decadent but Oh. So. Good.
3. Paprika and Garlic Powder - olé, suddenly we're in Spain!
4. Soy Sauce and Ginger - mix these into the oil, no need to tha me yet!

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Emergency Feeds; when Sudden Starvation sets in.

Confession: I commit Emergency Feeds on an almost daily basis! They hapen when I'm so hungry that I can't contemplate anything but FOOD. If I'm prepared, this isn't a bad thing because I'll be topping up on something that will love me back, if I'm not prepared it means I'll be shovelling two Snickers and a packet of crisps down my neck. For the pious amongst us, this looks and feels as unattractive as it sounds!

So how to avoid the need for an Emergency Feed? The obvious answer from the pious amongst us is to eat small amounts of perfectly balanced food at regularly scheduled times during the day, not good if you aren't an infant being weaned!

The rest of us should try this...

1. Drink enough water - constantly sipping water keeps your appetite alarms workings, lots of people confuse thirst for hunger and thus engage in Emergency Feeds accordingly. When you're properly hydrated you're less at risk of the belief that you're experiencing sudden starvation!

2. Snack packs - keeping portions of non perishable, clean snacks handy lets you conduct an Emergency Feed properly. For me these snacks HAVE to be something crispy or crunchy - protein shake won't cut it. What can I say? I like to really chew my food. And it physically feels like a biscuit! #MindGames

3. Maximise meal times - I know some nutritionist recommend eating every two hours and others constantly graze on fruits but most jobs can't accomodate this stlye of eating (and it sounds like a chore!). Practically every teacher, nurse, entrepreneur and full time parent I know works straight through meal times. Not good! It's essentially scheduling an Emergency Feed for later in the day, not to mention the damage it does to your metabolism and mood. Your body need to know your eating (not gulping!) so take 20 minutes to stop and chew!

In support of my Eliminate Emergency Feeds campaign I'll be posting a series of clean & lean snacks to prepare ahead and help keep us away from the 'convenience' aisle!

 

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2015 is mine!

It's alllllll about the forward planning, I fully intend to live a long, healthy, joyful and useful life...meaning I need to use 2015 more intentionally than I used 2014! So many days just happened during the last year, my health suffered, my moods dipped and I felt a little (a lottle?) a drift. With the full knowledge that it's not possible to change the world in a day, I'll be adopting one healthy habit every month this year in an attempt to reclaim my health! Simples!

January - I'll be giving up drinks in bottles. Juices, fizzy drinks and most tragically of all...wine! Join me in a dirge! If ANYTHING has to go from our diets its fizzy drinks, nothing will kill you faster! Not in it for the long term? Fizzy drinks bloat your belly, dull your skin and darken your teeth, whereas 2 litres of water a day will (almost) cure all ills. So drink water, tea or homemade juices.

February - plants with every meal. I've tried eating 'the rainbow', being vegan before 5, being vegan after 5, ugh EFFORT! Surely it's easier to do a little and often? In February I plan to eat plants with every meal! Yum!

March - Meatfree Mondays in March! I love an alliterative resolution I do! I also love a resolution that will save me money, skim my belly and reduce my risk of bowel cancer and heart disease. One day a week I'll be going vegan, very excited for this challenge.

April - Oh my it's loud! In April I'll be making a conscious effort to own the quiet moments that happen during the day, not to compose to do lists, not to worry, not to mindless browse the Internet, not to reenact nor rehearse difficult situations but to take a deep breath and remind myself that I'm OK.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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