A Bump in the Road, things I wasn't expecting

We're having a baby! A human baby! Fred and I are thrilled, though in what is surely the most unpopular confession in the blogosphere; this was not our initial reaction, it probably wasn't even our second!

Our path to pregnancy is best described as the World's Biggest Oops. Seeing the blue lines was the single most shocking and terrifying moment of my life, especially as I had done just about everything I could to ensure their non-appearance! Fred's first words were "What?! No way!" closely followed by "Wait, did you pee on this?" before thrusting the baby wand back at me. Always one to focus on the important issue is Fred! I'm not sure what my first words were as I couldn't speak for a long time, it was also quite a while before I stopped shaking. 

But here we are, about to embark on what will surely be the most thrilling white-knuckle ride of our lives! And as we take these first steps it has become glaringly apparent that I am completely unprepared for pregnancy so I've decided to share some some of the things that shocked me most!

1. You can get pregnant at any time. Yes just like the scary nun who taught your sex education class told you all those years ago, you can get pregnant even when you track your cycles and count days and avoid fertile windows, I was days away from mine when the magic happened. Your body is a sneaky little fertile dynamo that way.
Moral: If you don't want it to happen, don't let it happen.

2. There is no correct reaction. Finding out that you have created a human life is a preeeeeeetty massive thing to process and that's before you even make the selfish associations like "Can my life accommodate a baby", "how sore is labour really" and most pressingly "WILL I SURVIVE WITHOUT WINE?" In truth I found it completely overwhelming. There was so much to think about and so many emotions to take it process that everything stopped and I was totally numb. As a married woman who (in theory) wanted kids I thought the correct response was joy, there was no joy. At least not for the first few days. The absence of joy was one of the hardest things to deal with, it made me feel like a terrible person, almost like I didn't deserve to be a mother! I'm nearly certain this winding guilt trip is due to spending too much time on Instagram admiring highly-efficient, perfectly coiffed, beaming Mommy Bloggers, BLEUGH! This phase (eventually) passed and now I'm enjoying pregnancy and looking forward to bringing home a human.
Moral: Feel all the feels, they're your emotions and are entirely acceptable!

To conclude: YAY SURPRISE FOETUS!

Cnoc na Gaire

We're moving!!!! Well not right away we're not but we will be soon...hopefully! Our new house represents everything that Fred and I have ever wanted - a marriage, a home and a family! I personally find it very daunting to be standing in the wings of my dreams waiting to step centre stage, all I can think is "Don't screw this up!" 

We've named our home Cnoc na Gaire (pronunciation: Knock nah Goy-ra) which is an Irish phrase meaning "Hill of Laughter". This is a very sentimental name for us! Many moons ago my family were natives not far from where our new house is built, sadly Ireland's political climate has always tended towards the somewhat tropical (cloudy with a chance of shit storms) and it eventually became impossible for them (us?) to stay living in Northern Ireland. The family were given 36 hours to pack their belongings and get the hell out of Oz. The home they left was Cnoc na mBo Castle (Knock nah Moe). The castle has a fascinating story that involves Eisenhower, the British Army, secret tunnels and scandals in the staff quarters - think Downtown Abbey with thicker accents and less glamour, sadly its history came to an end when it was bombed by the IRA. Thanks lads, who needs heritage?! Fred and I agreed that it was only right that when my family began to reclaim the North we recognised that story and made it part of a new happier journey. 

We thought about recycling Cnoc na mBo but "Hill of Cows" (told you there was less glamour) doesn't have quite the ring we were looking for! 

We are all so excited for this new chapter. The boys haven't seen the garden yet but I know they'll love it! There's no doubt it's going to take a whole lot of blood, sweat and tears to help this vacant property live up to its name but it's a challenge we are both ready for!

How I remembered to be be happy: three habits that heal

Part two of the previous post.

Three habits that heal:

1. More time alone, more time with people.

2. I made an effort.

3. I treated myself like a friend.

The second habit that heals; make an effort

There were days when EVERYTHING felt like an effort, and I do mean everything - thinking about washing my hair felt like climbing Everest before I'd even switched on the shower. I hate climbing Everest on an empty stomach but OH breakfast felt like a chore, aaaaaand so went the rest of the day! I knee-jerked by 'going easy' on myself, 'cutting myself some slack' and 'giving myself a break' because I felt so shitty already why would I add extra pressure? In reality I needed to give myself a boot up the bum and make an effort. My kindness was not helping me in anyway, in fact it was depression's cleverest trick. This kindness kept me mired in a cycle of inactivity and low achievement, the consequences of which Depression could then used as evidence of in the case for Your Life Really Does Suck. I don't mean to imply that if you're sad you should try harder, but for me surrendering was like tying myself to an anchor and going overboard!

I found the easiest way to make an effort was through a Reflective Routine. First I framed whatever I was overwhelmed by with the gratitude I'd feel once it was completed eg "I feel so much happier now that I have worked hard all afternoon" or (on really bad days!) "I feel content now that the dogs have had a fun walk and we've all enjoyed some fresh air". Once I'd determined to enjoy the event I broke every task down into its components and focused on each component until it was fully, satisfyingly complete. When all the components were finished I concentrated on that original feeling again and let myself relax into it and exhaled all the anxiety/dread/incompetence I'd felt before I started. Finally at the end of each day I took a few moments to recap the 'achievements' and all the gratitude that went with them. I refused to allow myself to be mortified by how trivial they might have been! 

Moral: sometimes kindness hurts