A Bump in the Road, things I wasn't expecting

We're having a baby! A human baby! Fred and I are thrilled, though in what is surely the most unpopular confession in the blogosphere; this was not our initial reaction, it probably wasn't even our second!

Our path to pregnancy is best described as the World's Biggest Oops. Seeing the blue lines was the single most shocking and terrifying moment of my life, especially as I had done just about everything I could to ensure their non-appearance! Fred's first words were "What?! No way!" closely followed by "Wait, did you pee on this?" before thrusting the baby wand back at me. Always one to focus on the important issue is Fred! I'm not sure what my first words were as I couldn't speak for a long time, it was also quite a while before I stopped shaking. 

But here we are, about to embark on what will surely be the most thrilling white-knuckle ride of our lives! And as we take these first steps it has become glaringly apparent that I am completely unprepared for pregnancy so I've decided to share some some of the things that shocked me most!

1. You can get pregnant at any time. Yes just like the scary nun who taught your sex education class told you all those years ago, you can get pregnant even when you track your cycles and count days and avoid fertile windows, I was days away from mine when the magic happened. Your body is a sneaky little fertile dynamo that way.
Moral: If you don't want it to happen, don't let it happen.

2. There is no correct reaction. Finding out that you have created a human life is a preeeeeeetty massive thing to process and that's before you even make the selfish associations like "Can my life accommodate a baby", "how sore is labour really" and most pressingly "WILL I SURVIVE WITHOUT WINE?" In truth I found it completely overwhelming. There was so much to think about and so many emotions to take it process that everything stopped and I was totally numb. As a married woman who (in theory) wanted kids I thought the correct response was joy, there was no joy. At least not for the first few days. The absence of joy was one of the hardest things to deal with, it made me feel like a terrible person, almost like I didn't deserve to be a mother! I'm nearly certain this winding guilt trip is due to spending too much time on Instagram admiring highly-efficient, perfectly coiffed, beaming Mommy Bloggers, BLEUGH! This phase (eventually) passed and now I'm enjoying pregnancy and looking forward to bringing home a human.
Moral: Feel all the feels, they're your emotions and are entirely acceptable!

To conclude: YAY SURPRISE FOETUS!

Cnoc na Gaire

We're moving!!!! Well not right away we're not but we will be soon...hopefully! Our new house represents everything that Fred and I have ever wanted - a marriage, a home and a family! I personally find it very daunting to be standing in the wings of my dreams waiting to step centre stage, all I can think is "Don't screw this up!" 

We've named our home Cnoc na Gaire (pronunciation: Knock nah Goy-ra) which is an Irish phrase meaning "Hill of Laughter". This is a very sentimental name for us! Many moons ago my family were natives not far from where our new house is built, sadly Ireland's political climate has always tended towards the somewhat tropical (cloudy with a chance of shit storms) and it eventually became impossible for them (us?) to stay living in Northern Ireland. The family were given 36 hours to pack their belongings and get the hell out of Oz. The home they left was Cnoc na mBo Castle (Knock nah Moe). The castle has a fascinating story that involves Eisenhower, the British Army, secret tunnels and scandals in the staff quarters - think Downtown Abbey with thicker accents and less glamour, sadly its history came to an end when it was bombed by the IRA. Thanks lads, who needs heritage?! Fred and I agreed that it was only right that when my family began to reclaim the North we recognised that story and made it part of a new happier journey. 

We thought about recycling Cnoc na mBo but "Hill of Cows" (told you there was less glamour) doesn't have quite the ring we were looking for! 

We are all so excited for this new chapter. The boys haven't seen the garden yet but I know they'll love it! There's no doubt it's going to take a whole lot of blood, sweat and tears to help this vacant property live up to its name but it's a challenge we are both ready for!

How I remembered to be be happy: three habits that heal

Part two of the previous post.

Three habits that heal:

1. More time alone, more time with people.

2. I made an effort.

3. I treated myself like a friend.

The second habit that heals; make an effort

There were days when EVERYTHING felt like an effort, and I do mean everything - thinking about washing my hair felt like climbing Everest before I'd even switched on the shower. I hate climbing Everest on an empty stomach but OH breakfast felt like a chore, aaaaaand so went the rest of the day! I knee-jerked by 'going easy' on myself, 'cutting myself some slack' and 'giving myself a break' because I felt so shitty already why would I add extra pressure? In reality I needed to give myself a boot up the bum and make an effort. My kindness was not helping me in anyway, in fact it was depression's cleverest trick. This kindness kept me mired in a cycle of inactivity and low achievement, the consequences of which Depression could then used as evidence of in the case for Your Life Really Does Suck. I don't mean to imply that if you're sad you should try harder, but for me surrendering was like tying myself to an anchor and going overboard!

I found the easiest way to make an effort was through a Reflective Routine. First I framed whatever I was overwhelmed by with the gratitude I'd feel once it was completed eg "I feel so much happier now that I have worked hard all afternoon" or (on really bad days!) "I feel content now that the dogs have had a fun walk and we've all enjoyed some fresh air". Once I'd determined to enjoy the event I broke every task down into its components and focused on each component until it was fully, satisfyingly complete. When all the components were finished I concentrated on that original feeling again and let myself relax into it and exhaled all the anxiety/dread/incompetence I'd felt before I started. Finally at the end of each day I took a few moments to recap the 'achievements' and all the gratitude that went with them. I refused to allow myself to be mortified by how trivial they might have been! 

Moral: sometimes kindness hurts

How I remembered to be happy; three habits that heal

I've previously written about how I gave myself depression in 2014, in this post, I'll be talking about the things I did which put me back in control of my mental health. This post is not a trite, condencending dismal of anxiety or depression, rather it is an awkwardly honest look at the role we play in our own unhappiness.

1. More time alone, more time with people.

2. I made an effort.

3. I treated myself like a friend.

The fist habit that heals; more time alone, more time with people.

I found it alarmingly easy to distract myself from my own head and the monsters that lived there. On a journey I'd turn on the radio, on a walk I'd take & edit photos of my dogs, I'd make housework easier by putting on a podcast, if I was out with a companion and they paused for breath I'd fill the spare seconds in between with text messages, quick glances at news websites, swipes through my Facebook feed. I never realised how frantic this level of activy was until one day I physically, or more aptly, psychologically, couldn't read a book - previously one of the most enormous joys in my life. In the sudden quiet I became aware of the frightening roar of doubt inside my head, the fear that literally gave me goosebumps and the loneliness that started in my fingernails and crept towards my heart. Holy cow! How had I not noticed this?? I'd been deafening myself with a chaotic cacophony of audible distractions.

To fixed this I did two things. First - I switched off my distractions (phones, tablets, laptops, TVs, radios) and listened carefully. I practiced being 'present' (sorry I tried to find a non-cheesy word) in every activity, concentrating just on it until it was done. At first this was hard! As soon as it could my brain would take itself into the Deep Dark Woods and tell me ghosts stories; with myself as the doomed, ugly step-sister, sure to be skewered by a cast of attractive, employed, successful villagers. When that happened I didn't drown it out, I heard it, recognised it as ridiculous, took a few deep breaths then went about my business. Utterly terrifying! At times I remember physically wanting to run away from the situation, but I'd tried that and it hadn't worked! This new approach was useful, because I'd always 'heard' the ghost stories, it was just that until now I hadn't known what I'd been hearing there was so much background noise. I wrote out the recurring stories and almost laughed at myself, then wrote out the true stories of these events (one a piece of paper with a pen, gadgets be gone).

Moral: it's important to switch off and listen to yourself.

The second thing I did was simple, I arranged dates with people I cared about. Tea dates, shopping dates, park dates, sofa dates, wine dates, lots of wine dates. Virtual relationships are not real relationships, you do need to be able see/smell/touch another human to call it a relationship regardless of what Mark Zuckerberg may tell you. Blah, blah tell me I'm wrong, that skype has changed the world, WhatApp has defeated geogrpahy's dominion over humans, Tinder has revolutionised how we bond. I don't believe you. Turn off your phone and have a conversation, how long is it since you've done that?

Moral: it's important to switch off and listen to other people.

This was supposed to be a MUCH shorter post, but then I decided to be honester (more honest?) more honest. I wanted to detail all the habits together but there ya go, the best laid plans! More about the other habits later.

 

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How I Gave Myself Depression - three habits that hurt

 

In this post I am being brutally honest about my mental health, so this I your warning to cut and run - though if that's your first reaction maybe you should stay and read! I'll start with a confession thus; sometimes I'm my own worst enemy. In 2014 I went through a rather prolonged period of anxiety and depression. This wasn't the kind of depression where my Gentleman Caller found me foetal on the bedroom floor sobbbing uncontrollably, it was a sneakier kind, a kind that nobody but me could see. I developed some awful habits that made my worse.

The three worst things I did for my mental health in 2014.

1. I never spent any time alone. When I wasn't on WhatsApp, Facebook, iMessages or Skype. I was reading news websites or listening to podcasts - I quite literally never had a silent moment to myself. Yet at the same time I rarely spent spent any physical time with people that I loved and who loved me. If you've spent more than 15 seconds consuming any kind of media in the last ten years you'll know its mostly a fairly depressing place! With a constant soundscape of inane negative prattle in my head it became extremely hard to hear myself think.

2. I went with it. On bad days I relaxed into feeling low because it felt easier than making any sort of effort against it. My mindset was something like "I'm feeling pretty shit today, so I'll treat myself to this." Or "I just can't be bothered with the gym because I feel sad." I exploited the advice 'give yourself a break' to breaking point. This was the most damaging thing I did! It was also the hardest to thing to admit I'd done because it meant admitting that I trained my own brain to accept and subject to feelings of anxiety and inadequacy when really what I should have done was listen to Dylan Thomas when he said...

3. I was a mean girl. A 26 year old mean girl; I focused on my failures however minute, I replayed moments of conflict, I dwelt on periods of pain, I mocked my efforts, undermined my attempts and kindled the flame of insecurity. And I did all this while earnestly cheering on my friends in their successes. I would never have tolerated anyone speaking to them the way I spoke to myself.

Of course there were outside contributing factors, predominantely my chronic unemployment which at times felt terminal, but the personal habits that I adopted during this period went a long way toward making a bad patch a bad field! Streched that metaphore?! Don't care!

This post has been really hard to write, because despite our increasing awareness and understandingly our mental health, it still makes for awkward 'touchy-feely' conversation! I look forward to the day when mental health is treated like bodily health. The good news is that seeing as I took myself there, I could take myself away; and one day, I resolved to do just that! Tomorrow I'll be talking about how!

 

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Emergency Feeds; Pumpkin Seeds

I first became hooked on these little seeds last year when I was trying to clear up my skin. The reason? They're jammed full of zinc which is vital in helping your skin produce new cells and magnesium which has a unique role in detoxing the dermis of your skin, both minerals also support the strong immune system you'll need to fight off a skin infection or bad breakout. They're an ideal source of omega 3 which replenishes the healthy oil that acne removes from your skin and lastly they have an anti-inflammatory effect, another key area to focus on when trying to clear your skin.

They are at their nutritional best when eaten raw, but sadly not at their culinary best. To amp up the flavour heat a pan and quick fry your seeds for a few seconds without oil. Once they're toasted like this they become irresistible. I tend not to season them but add a grind of salt, a splash of Worchester Sauce or a pinch of ground ginger and cinnamon if you get bored.

 If for some inexplicable reason you don't eat then immediately, they will happily sit for a few weeks in a sealed container. They provide the perfect Emergency Feed!

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A non-salad Salad

I resent the word salad. It sounds so unhealthy, conjuring images of bowls full of nutritionally void leaves slick with greasy dressings, yuck. It irks rather a little to refer to this bowl of divinity as a salad but, for want of a better word salad it shall be! This salad packs a powerful protein punch thanks to the cashews, peanut butter and soya beans, it also deserves a hat tip for the glorious antioxidant and anti inflammatory properties of the red cabbage.

 

Finely slice your sprouts and sautée them over a high heat. Meanwhile slice 1/2 each of a cucumber, yellow pepper and head of red cabbage, grate a carrot, dice some spring onions and measure out as many cashew nuts and soya beans as you plan to eat. I did the same quantity of everything and found it worked well.

 

Now that your sprouts are done set them aside, wipe out the pan and toast your cashew nuts. Set a pan of boiling water on the hob and blanch the soya beans.

 

Finally, time for dressing. Make extra of this as you will be spreading it on EVERYTHING! Mix together 2tbs of peanut butter, 1tbs grated ginger, half a grated chilli, 1tbs soya sauce, 1tsp honey and a little sesame/coconut oil to loosen it up. Finally squeeze over half a lime. Chances are it will be quite thick but that's ok! Don't get too stressed about the measurements, just keeping adding and mixing until it tastes like you never want it to run out!

 

Take everything off the heat, mix it all together and enjoy a clean, lean, powerful 'salad'.

 

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